Boating Jokes

[Hot H2O]

Gordon died. So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

Susan replied, "You just put, 'Gordon died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Gordon died?'

Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Gordon. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. You put 'Gordon died. Checkmate for sale.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What does BOAT stand for?

Break Out Another Thousand
___________________________________________________________________
You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
____________________________________________________________________

 

[Hot H2O]

Gordon died. So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

Susan replied, "You just put, 'Gordon died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Gordon died?'

Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Gordon. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. You put 'Gordon died. Checkmate for sale.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What does BOAT stand for?

Break Out Another Thousand
___________________________________________________________________
You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
____________________________________________________________________

 

[JW]

LOLOLOL...Break out another thousand...True Dat!

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest (worked for hole-shot)

 

[Hot H2O]

Four married guys go to the lake and run their Checkmates. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out boating this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to boat when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come running your Checkmate this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 4:00 am. When it went off, I shut it off, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Checkmateing or sex?" She said, "Wear a sweater its cool outside."

 

[Chris]

LOL!

JW's wife...

JW died, Jackplates for sale

Gus's wife....

Gus Died, Plywood for sale

Chris' significant other...

Chris died, website for sale

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Webmaster
Checkmate-Boats.com-The Fanatics Home!

 

[Hot H2O]

Nautical Terms
If the words associated with boating are a complete mystery to you read on to find no help whatsoever:

Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

 

[Hot H2O]

Boat For Sale

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past
Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused
Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally
decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat
For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old
John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

 

[Hot H2O]

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds: "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "

You wouldn't waste the money for boating would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't like boating."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.The bum accepts eagerly.

While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble, or boat''

 

[175checkmate]

Chris, YOu hit the nail right on the head. Only you forgot somethig.

It would be plywood, 1gal jugs of resin and a truck load of matt of sale. lololol

1975 Checkmate Tri-mate 2, 2.4 200+

 

[Chris]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 175checkmate:
Chris, YOu hit the nail right on the head. Only you forgot somethig.

It would be plywood, 1gal jugs of resin and a truck load of matt of sale. lololol

http://www.checkmate-boats.com/6/ws/,s,8626072361/avatars/rooster_3.jpg


1975 Checkmate Tri-mate 2, 2.4 200+<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LOL!

Mine would actually be...

One Checkmate Website, Two computers full of Checkmate pictures, too many Checkmate brochures to list and one cottage in serious need of a paint job!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Webmaster
Checkmate-Boats.com-The Fanatics Home!

 

[Hot H2O]

One old boater died and his wife said he never spent any time with her...he was always painting that damn boat.....the preacher asked "how many times could he have painted it 3 or 4"...Well, she said, we bought an 18 foot runabout and I just sold a 23 foot cruiser"

 

[Hot H2O]

A family went to the lake one weekend to try out the Checkmate, that the man had rebuilt all by himself over the winter......the mans daughter asked could she ride in the boat as soon as daddy put it in the water......her mother said NO...the little girl said but I can swim and daddy will be with me.......her mother said that daddy had something the light girl didn't, that made it ok for him to try out the boat...what was that the little girl said?....
A 1 million dollar accidental life policy the mother said

 

[JW]

Good ones HotH20!

Chris, I do happen to have a jackplate sitting on the garage floor forgotten and unloved........

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest (worked for hole-shot)

 

[Hot H2O]

One morning the husband returned after several hours of running his Checkmate and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She cruised out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

 

[Hot H2O]

A friend was looking for a second hand boat (a Checkmate) to buy, when he hit on a great idea...

At his Boating club there was a large trailer park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if the owner didn't pay their membership for 12 months. The club is very big and at the time there were three or four Checkmates in this yard that judging from their condition hadn't been run for at least a year.

My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first man he rang said he wasn't interested in selling as he was going to lake that weekend

He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Checkmate. My friend explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it clearly hadn't been used for a year - did she think her husband would be interested in selling?

"Oh no" she said, "there must be some mistake - come rain or shine my husband spends one weekend a month at the lake on the boat..."

I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home!

 

[Hot H2O]

Why Men Like Boats!

Boats don't have parents.
You can share your boat with friends.
If your boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
If your boat smokes, you can do something about it.
If you smoke, your boat doesn't care.
Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Boats don't care how many other boats you have been in.
Boats don't care if you look at other boats or if you buy boat magazines.
Boats don't care how many other boats you have.
If your boat is too loose, you can tighten it.
You can have a beer while riding in your boat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy working on your boat.
You don't deal with priests or blood tests when registering your boat.
If you say bad things to your boat, you don't have to apologize before you can ride again.
Your parents don't keep in touch with your old boats after you dump them.
Boats always feel like going for a ride.
Boats don't insult you if you're a bad driver.
Your boat never wants a night out alone with other boats.
Boats don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before driving your boat.
It's always O.K. to use tie-downs on your boat.
If your boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or buy new parts.
You can't get diseases from riding in other boats.
Boats curves never sag.
Boats last longer.
Boats never get pregnant.
You can control the speed and time of arrival.
And, your boat is always wet when you are ready to start.

I apoligize for any I left out

 

[Hot H2O]

The Evils of Water Skiing


A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church. So he told his wife,"This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday."

"What!?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about!"

"I don't think so," he said, "It's a problem we need to address." Next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asked the preacher what he is going to preach about, somewhat warily. "As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays."

"That's idiotic!" the wife says. "First of all, it's a dumb sermon topic and second, the people who need to hear it won't be in church! Why don't you preach about sex or something people are interested in?"

"Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water-skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly.

The wife said, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something." And she stayed in the car.

As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church he began thinking maybe his wife was right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the biblical teachings of sex.

When the service was over, one of the church members stopped by the preacher's car and said to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this church."

"I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," the wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times!"

 

[Hot H2O]

Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new Baja. She was unable to have her Baja perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make the Baja work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the Baja over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the Baja, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

 

[Hot H2O]

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field.She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight.The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing?It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

 

[Hot H2O]

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."