Boating Jokes

[Hot H2O]

A blonde tried to sell her old boat. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 2500 hours on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the boat easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the boat."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a boat repair shop.Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your boat back to 100 hours. Then it should not be a problem to sell your boat anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your baot?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 100 hours on it."

 

[Hot H2O]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat". "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

 

[JW]

ahahahhahha, that's a good one there!

1995 Pulsare 2100BR/1995 Mercury Promax 225 2.5 EFI/ 1.87:1 Torquemaster/ RapidJack Heavy-Duty manual 10.5" setback/ 23" Tempest worked for ski duty

 

[Will]

One day Bill and Z were talking to each other about Checkmates. Z told Bill that he had never even driven a Checkmate and also that he had never been laid. "I'll bet if you let me borrow your new boat for a week or so, I would get laid!" said Z... He kept on and on until Bill finally said: "Ok, Z. But you better not get it over 35 mph!" Happily Z got in his Avalanche and went down to the marina as fast as he could. When he got there, he stood on the dock next to Bill's boat until a beautiful woman walked by. "Hey honey! You wanna go for a boat ride?" Z asked timidly. He was shocked when she said "Sure!" So Z carried her 2 miles off shore and said: "Put out or swim!" The woman didn't know how to swim and Z had let her ride in his Checkmate, so she dropped her bikini bottom and let Z have his way. This happened several times over the next two days and Z was exstatic! Two days earlier he had never had a boat and had never been laid..until Bill let him borrow his mate and now he was getting so much that he didn't even care what the woman looked like, As long as he could drive the boat! Well, the last lady for the day was a 375 pound mammoth. But Z didn't care. "Hey baby, you wanna go for a boat ride?" He asked... she said yes... when they reached the 2 mile mark, SHE jerked the key out of the ignition, pulled down her bikini bottom, peeled the scabs off of her crotch and said "EAT IT OR SWIM!"

....................... Later that week Z was telling Bill about the last woman and Bill asked "Well, what did you do!" Z looked at Bill and said with disgust "Well you didn't hear about anyone drowning now did ya!" Z kind of lost his taste for checkmates once he found out that just because they are the nicest looking boats, doesn't mean they always bring out the nicest looking women!

 

[Will]

Sorry for the long post and the adult nature, BUT I could not resist! Z, if we didn't love ya, we wouldn't pick on ya!

 

[Z06]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Just me and my Avalanche

It still makes me laugh, and I don't care...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum

 

[Hot H2O]

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

--------------------------------------------------

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one Checkmate Boat for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One Checkmate Boat for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one Checkmate Boat for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no Checkmate Boat for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher was winding up his Blessing of the Boats sermon with great fervor. "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river." The congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" The preacher sat down. The deacon stood up. "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing,
'We shall gather at the river'."

 

[Hot H2O]

Taking a break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Checkmate to a Marina for gas. The attendant greets him in typical
manner, unaware of just who the golf pro is.

"What can I do for you!" he calls out.

As Tiger gets out of the Checkmate, two tees fall out of his pocket..

"So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the attendant.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the
attendant. "Those fellas at Checkmate think of everything!"

 

[Hot H2O]

A Newbys TOOL GUIDE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the chaos principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch!"

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering the car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

 

[Hot H2O]

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH"

"What fish?" the man asked.

 

[Hot H2O]

The difference between a fairy tale and a Top Speed Boat story is a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a Top Speed Boat story begins, " This ain't no bullshit..."

 

[Hot H2O]

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A RIVER/LAKE COP
I can't reach my registration unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 100 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not gonna check the galley, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other boats around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

[Hot H2O]

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night ! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a new Checkmate!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

 

[Hot H2O]

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and, mistaking him for John stated, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat said, "HECK NO! In fact I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. She was all shriveled up and she smelled like old fish. She was losing water.. She just couldn't handle life any longer. I'll just have to find me a better one. I'm glad to be rid of her. That's when the old woman fainted!

 

[Hot H2O]

"I finally snapped," the man said. "Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof." "What did you do?" asked his friend. "I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift." "Did it help?" ";I'll say. Tomorrow we're selling my Checkmate and all the boating equipment."

 

[Hot H2O]

John decided scrape and paint the hull of his 21' foot wood cruiser. Not being sure how much paint to buy and knowing that Paul, a close friend who had the same size boat had recently painted his, he gave him a call.

"Paul," he said, "How many gallons of paint did you buy for your boat?" "Six," said Paul.

John went out and bought six gallons of paint but when the job was done he had two gallons left over!

Calling Paul again, "Paul," he said, "I bought six gallons of paint for my boat , but I've got two gallons left over."

"Yes," said Paul, "So did I."

 

[Hot H2O]

A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. The boat gets pounded by rain and wind and huge waves. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman diver jumps up and exclaims:

"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" .........

The Diving Officer stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man (well it is a joke!), he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles....... and prominent six pack.

He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: "Here! Iron this!".

 

[Hot H2O]

Ad in paper

Young attractive male seeks female boating enthusiust for shared recreation and friendship, must have Checkmate boat. Please sent photo of boat.

 

[Hot H2O]

You might be a fisherman if ...

1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

 

[Hot H2O]

A Boat mechanic is at the boat house working outside on a new Checkmate when he notices a little boy next door.

The little boy is in a little red wagon with ropes and bumpers hung off the side.

He is wearing a captians hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The mechanic says, "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a Captian and this is my Boat!"

The mechanic walks over to take a closer look.

"Little boy that sure is a nice boat!" the mechanic says.

"Thanks mister," says the little boy.

The mechanic looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

Little boy," says the mechanic, "I don't want to tell you how to run your boat, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"