A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new boat together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it to the carwash. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the Rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
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Boating Jokes
- Thread starter Hot H2O
- Start date
This guy and his wife both loved to run their Checkmate on the river. They both died at the same time and went to heaven. Here they are in their brand new Checkmate made of solid gold, Every day has perfect weather, the boat always runs well, the gas tank never runs low, the boat always runs 1 mph faster than it should and all their checkmate friends that had died before them were on the river with them The wife turned to the husband and said," Isn't this just wonderful,dear?". "Yes, and if it hadn't been for you and that damn low fat/ no cholesterol diet, we could have been enjoying this 10 years ago!".
After their baby was born, the panicked father(a Navy Sailor) went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year and out to sea some of that time. We only made love once or twice every few months"
" Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year and out to sea some of that time. We only made love once or twice every few months"
" Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
Z06
Active member
Keep them coming H20...
What we would do without you? We all need the laughs..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
What we would do without you? We all need the laughs..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
Zo6 and friends were going ice fishing....so he told everyone on the Checkmate board about his plans........he was going to pack up the 2004 SS and pull the new Pulsare to this great place.......
after a few days of no posts some one emailed him to find out what happened....
Zo6 said..We left about 7am and got to the lake about 9am but by the time we had a hole cut big enough for the Pulsare.........it was getting dark....so we came home......next time we are either starting earlier,......spending the night.....or getting a smaller boat.......
hahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahaha
after a few days of no posts some one emailed him to find out what happened....
Zo6 said..We left about 7am and got to the lake about 9am but by the time we had a hole cut big enough for the Pulsare.........it was getting dark....so we came home......next time we are either starting earlier,......spending the night.....or getting a smaller boat.......
hahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahaha
Z06
Active member
He He...
More like behind our Mustang GT
Keep them coming
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
More like behind our Mustang GT
Keep them coming
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should
do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily
program I can do anywhere:
> > > Monday:
> > > Beat around the bush.
> > > Jump to conclusions.
> > > Climb the walls.
> > > Wade through paperwork.
> > >
> > > Tuesday:
> > > Drag my heels.
> > > Push my luck.
> > > Make mountains out of mole hills.
> > > Hit the nail on the head.
> > >
> > > Wednesday:
> > > Bend over backwards.
> > > Jump on the band wagon.
> > > Balance the books.
> > > Run around in circles.
> > >
> > > Thursday:
> > > Toot my own horn.
> > > Climb the ladder of success.
> > > Pull out the stops.
> > > Add fuel to the fire.
> > >
> > > Friday:
> > > Open a can of worms.
> > > Put my foot in my mouth.
> > > Start the ball rolling.
> > > Go over the edge.
> > >
> > > Saturday:
> > > Pick up the pieces.
> > > Whew!
> > > What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!
do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily
program I can do anywhere:
> > > Monday:
> > > Beat around the bush.
> > > Jump to conclusions.
> > > Climb the walls.
> > > Wade through paperwork.
> > >
> > > Tuesday:
> > > Drag my heels.
> > > Push my luck.
> > > Make mountains out of mole hills.
> > > Hit the nail on the head.
> > >
> > > Wednesday:
> > > Bend over backwards.
> > > Jump on the band wagon.
> > > Balance the books.
> > > Run around in circles.
> > >
> > > Thursday:
> > > Toot my own horn.
> > > Climb the ladder of success.
> > > Pull out the stops.
> > > Add fuel to the fire.
> > >
> > > Friday:
> > > Open a can of worms.
> > > Put my foot in my mouth.
> > > Start the ball rolling.
> > > Go over the edge.
> > >
> > > Saturday:
> > > Pick up the pieces.
> > > Whew!
> > > What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!
A few minutes before the Checkmate meeting started, the owners were sitting in their seats and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the meeting. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the building except for one elderly Checkmate owner who sat calmly in his seat without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Z06
Active member
Private Message for ya h20
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chevy Corvette Z06
Chris.Ellard9@sympatico.ca
http://pub37.ezboard.com/bchevycorvettez06personalforum
cooperider
Well-known member
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hot H2O:
A grizzled old man wearing a Checkmate Boat Factory jacket was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "He's not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his semi truck and trailer full of Checkmate boats over three motorcycles." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Don't give him any ideas.
A grizzled old man wearing a Checkmate Boat Factory jacket was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "He's not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his semi truck and trailer full of Checkmate boats over three motorcycles." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Don't give him any ideas.
cooperider
Well-known member
bdusted440 and his family move into their new house on the river. One night his wife notices the light still on in the boat house and says, "Brian you left the light on in the boat house again."
So he steps outside to go turn it off and notices three burgulars trying to steal his Checkmate. He quickly steps back into the house and call the police.
They say,"I'm sorry sir but we have no one in the area to help at this time."
So bdusted hangs up the phone and waits thirty seconds then calls the police back.
He says,"Hi I just called 30 seconds ago about some burgulars in my boat house. Yes. Well never mind its not a problem any more, because I just shot all of them and they are dead." and he hangs up the phone.
Two minutes later four police cruisers, an urban assalt vehicle, and an ambulance show up catching the burgulars red handed.
One of the officers looks at bdusted and says,"I thought you said you shot everyone."
bdusted replies,"and I thought you said you didn't have anyone in the area."
So he steps outside to go turn it off and notices three burgulars trying to steal his Checkmate. He quickly steps back into the house and call the police.
They say,"I'm sorry sir but we have no one in the area to help at this time."
So bdusted hangs up the phone and waits thirty seconds then calls the police back.
He says,"Hi I just called 30 seconds ago about some burgulars in my boat house. Yes. Well never mind its not a problem any more, because I just shot all of them and they are dead." and he hangs up the phone.
Two minutes later four police cruisers, an urban assalt vehicle, and an ambulance show up catching the burgulars red handed.
One of the officers looks at bdusted and says,"I thought you said you shot everyone."
bdusted replies,"and I thought you said you didn't have anyone in the area."
This is a true story! Back in the early 70s My dad, grandpa, uncle, and myself was going out to run our trotlines at 3:00am. We had a old 14ft v bottom with a 5 and a half Johnson. Back then we used to leave the boat at the boat ramp which was just a old gravel road and a mud-bank. When we got there we loaded our gear and headed out. About halfway to the trotlines, remember now its pitch black with just a flashlight, my dad jumps up and hollars I been struck! There's a cotton mouth in the boat, so were all jumping around in the little v bottom trying to keep from getting bit! I look over at my grandpa who was suppose to be driving the boat, was on top of the 5hp, sitting on it trying to keep from getting bit! In the mean time, my dad is still yelling im struck, my uncle and I are at the very front of the bow trying not to get bit! All of a sudden there is a loud crash, and we all go sailing out of the boat. We hit the bank since no one was driving it. My dad was laying on the ground holding his leg still yelling. After a long search for the snake, we discoverd that the snake was actually a minnow that had jumped out of the minnow bucket that we were going to use to bait the trotline, and had slapped my dad on the leg! After 20 minutes of laughter, a broken prop, and gear scattered all over the bank, we went to check our trotlines.
DropTop5.0
Well-known member
I don't have anything to add but some of these are pretty funny.